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I am marking three months of sobriety and looking for advice on helping my 11-year-old autistic son. With rehab and support groups, I've achieved this milestone, though my alcohol use intensified during the past two years. Previously, I was sober for the initial six years of his life.

The Effect of Past Challenges

In the final stages, my drinking was constant, and my son witnessed me out of control and miserable. He developed a sense of responsibility, believing he was the sole person who could prevent me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I am utterly ashamed about this. I have repeatedly explained to him that I alone can manage my actions.

He stayed with his father for several months—we divorced five years ago, but his father is helpful of my recovery. He moved back in with me when he started secondary school in September. Confidence between us is gradually building as he sees that I am sober and putting all my energy into improving.

Present Difficulties and Feelings

My son remains hyper-vigilant and anxious about my well-being. As a result, he is very restrictive of my actions—in part due to fear about my past habits, but also because he is on the spectrum and anxious about unexpected changes. I am working on confidence and limits; it's tempting to give in to his demands, but that isn't appropriate as a caregiver. It is hard as I also feel enormously guilty.

I referred to Children’s Services while in rehab, and we are waiting for help for my son from nearby substance abuse support. Meanwhile, I feel really uncertain about how to communicate with him. I don't want to make him upset, but I also don't want to overlook the previous events. How do we progress?

Professional Advice on Healing

Children need to feel safe, especially after unpredictable periods when they couldn't be sure if their parent could keep them secure. They may feel worried about bringing up these issues now. Children tend to think things are their responsibility—taking the blame rather than their parents, as the alternative feels overwhelming. Autism can intensify these feelings.

People in the midst of addiction often make apologies they might not be able to keep. It can be difficult for family members to determine what to trust.

It's common for those in addiction to offer assurances they cannot maintain. As a result, loved ones can find it hard to believe them. In addition to limits, it's very important to be reliable and demonstrate your son that things are better, rather than just telling him.

Useful Steps for Dialogue and Support

Focus on him settling in at school and establish a solid routine. Next, introduce the concept that no subject is off the discussion table—if you're open to it. Dinner times can be a suitable moment to talk, as can parallel activities like strolling or traveling, since they require less eye contact, which some people find too intense. Maybe there's an activity you and your son enjoy doing together? Avoid thinking "we need to discuss," but seek chances for dialogue and see if they happen. Additionally, think about your son's preferred way of expressing himself—it may not be talking; it could be written, or a combination of both.

It is important for him to understand that his refuge apart from home might be with his dad. You should avoid feeling hurt if he wants to go there at times. It doesn't mean you've failed—it's a process that isn't straightforward.

Separating Personal Needs from His Requirements

You need to separate your requirements from your son's. Ensure you're not comforting him to ease your own guilt—to absolve yourself—because you cannot do that through your son. You'll concentrate more effectively on what he needs if you receive strong assistance yourself.

You are making great progress. Keep going.