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Her Journey: Discovering A Asexual Nature

A 37-year-old woman: I have not once been fond of sex. As a child, I felt defective since people praised it highly.”

The sole matter that her partner and I have disagreed on is our sex life. Upon getting together almost a decade back, physical intimacy was certainly something he sought more frequently than me. Around a few months of seeing each other, we opted to pursue a non-monogamous setup so that Cameron could connect with partners who have higher libidos than I am.

There were moments of insecurity at first, but our relationship was strengthened thanks to open dialogue, and I came to feel completely safe in our partnership. This has been a huge blessing for both of us, as I have never loved sex. In my younger years, I thought incomplete because society at large emphasized its importance, but I never fully grasped what was so great about it.

After discovering a book about asexuality on social media recently, it was like looking in a mirror. I felt surprised, because at that time I thought of myself as a someone with desire – I find solo sex satisfying, and I’d had a considerable number of sex in my 20s. But I believe I engaged in much of that intimacy since I felt guilty – a hangover of my youth in a society that teaches us one must please your man.

This information helped me understand was that asexuality is a wide range. For example, I don’t have libido, regarding those who I admire visually. I admire how they look, but I don’t want to be intimate with them. But I do like having orgasms. For me, it’s pleasurable and it’s a nice release – a means to empty all the thoughts upstairs.

It felt extremely empowering to share with Cameron that I identify as asexual. He understands. We sometimes have sex, as I sense intense intimacy as well as bonding with him during those moments, and I am making the conscious decision when I desire to bond with him through that act. It’s not that I have a libido, but I have different motivations to have sex, such as seeking connection. I see his pleasure, and that makes me happy. Likewise that someone who is not asexual can choose to abstain, I can decide to engage in intimacy for alternative motivations than sexual excitement.

Cameron's Perspective: Romance Beyond Physical Intimacy

A 36-year-old man: Simply because sex isn’t a priority doesn’t mean that love is absent.”

Sex used to be extremely significant to me. It was the source from which I derived much of my self-worth. I had been unwell and hospitalized often during my teens, so sex turned into a practice that I felt gave me control over my body. It then transform after meeting Sarah, since physical intimacy wasn’t the central focus for us.

In this relationship, I discovered additional merit in different aspects of my identity, and it shifted focus away from sex. I don’t want to have sex with other people now either. If I ever feel like having sex, there exist other ways to address it. Self-pleasure is a possibility, but alternatively going for a stroll, considering what’s on my mind or watercolour painting.

When Sarah discovered her identity, I started to understand that intimacy is focused on bonding. That can come during sex, but as well as through different forms that are just as valuable and satisfying. I once had a specific idea of what asexuality was – without sexual activity, you would not have sexual feelings. But it varies widely, and it needs exploration to understand your position within it.

We have been a couple for almost a decade, and the fact that intimacy isn’t central is not a sign that affection is absent. Making specific time for connection is crucial for our relationship. At times we’ll get these adult Lego sets and build them in small portions every morning, which seems really intimate. Or we enjoy a date night and go out for a special beverage and a meal. We snuggle and make plans for the future, which is a way to show affection. I experience great joy from preparing meals for others, and it leaves me deeply fulfilled in a kind of satisfied state.

Her identity has enlarged the idea of our partnership. It is similar to reducing the resources you have to use – it forces you to find new ways with your current situation. It pushes you to think in different ways. But it did not lessen the bond that I feel for her whatsoever.